THE LATE NIGHT BITCH-SLAPPING AND THE NBC SNAKE

It was Conan's final Tonight Show.  I found it very sad.  I laughed a few times, but mostly I just nodded my head in empathy.  

I've been avoiding weighing in on the ever-increasing late night cat fight, mainly because I stopped watching it.  I found it wholly unenjoyable.  I'm not sure why, but witnessing these grown men air their vendettas through brutally personal attacks, disguised as jokes, makes me very uncomfortable.  

Look, I know I should be the last guy yelling foul for name-calling, but I gotta tell ya, it all makes me cringe.  I'm aware that late night monologues are aimed at mocking pop culture.  And yes, the current state of talk shows are part of that pop culture.  But somehow when the mockers are the subject of the mocking it all gets weird and incestuous.  I just wanna slap them and say, "Stop fucking your mother!"  Boy if I had a nickel for every time I had that yelled at me... See, that just made you feel weird and uncomfortable, right?

Truth is, I'm a Letterman fan.  Always have been.  I appreciate and understand why more people watch Jay, but to me, Dave was always the smarter, classier act.  Clearly Dave had some deep animosity towards Jay after the Tonight Show landed in Leno's lap, but that dirt was never aired on their shows.  The facts became lore and eventually a book and a TV movie, but neither host debased themselves with inflammatory direct attacks.  So watching Dave suddenly vent his historical frustration with Jay seems somehow beneath him.  

I don't know these men.  I clearly have no insight into the history between Jay and the comedians who are lashing out at him.  Obviously Leno is a competitive guy.  And I guess that effort has crossed the line into some nefarious machinations.  But somehow launching monologue bombs at each other seems like a cheap, ineffective way to address the larger issue -- NBC fucked up.  I think Conan's first instinct, the letter to the "people of earth" was the right move.  It was a humorous and poignant summary of the situation and communicated his pained point of view about the dilemma.  I'm not sure who threw the first one-liner snowball, but not unlike a political campaign, once the first shot is fired, it's kill or be killed.  So now Jay, Conan, Letterman, Kimmel, Ferguson, and those two other guys on NBC, have all joined in.  Thank God Jon Stewart (other than a shout out during Your Moment of Zen) has steered clear of it.

I guess I'm writing this somewhat pointless entry to remind folks that it's not about team Coco vs. team Leno, it's team Viewers vs. team NBC.  Unfortunately, this ugly battle is going to work in the network's favor.  It's already boosted ratings through the roof and now it's given the Tonight Show with Jay Leno (again), must-see status.  Let's not forget who the anger should be truly focused on -- NBC executives.  Yes, maybe Jay did some dirty deeds, but ultimately it's Jeff Zucker and his coked-up gyroscope who created this fiasco.  They are the ones who were too greedy and too scared to let Leno leave the building.  It's Zucker who endowed Leno with his current super-villain powers.  If we really wanted to make a point, we'd unprogram NBC from our remotes.  Fuck these guys.

Which brings me to my last point.  And again, in the spirit of love and service, I want to help.  So if NBC really wants to start anew, they need a tummy tuck and a face lift.  We all know that sucking fat out of a network is impossible, so I'll have to settle for the face lift.  NBC needs a NEW LOGO.  

They've had the microphone, the musical notes, the first peacock, the big "N", and the new peacock.  I'm thinking they go retro baby, back to the 70's -- the NBC snake.   

Remember the snake?  It only seems fitting.  

Or the swastika, one or the other.

MY OPEN INVITATION TO CONAN O'BRIEN

1/14/10

Dear Conan,

I know it's a crazy time for you.  I'm sure you are overwhelmed by the media frenzy that has become your life.  So much time, energy, money and attention over a late night talk show.  My guess is that you find it all ridiculous and a bit embarrassing; especially in light of the recent tragedy in Haiti.  As you may or may not know, I've been pretty vocal about the absurdity of NBC's approach to programming.  They've not only degraded a great institution like the Tonight Show, they've managed, through greed and neglect, to nearly destroy an entire network.

Clearly, you've been screwed.  And the abuse played out in public.  It was painful for us, I can't imagine how awful it was for you and your family.  The statement you recently issued was heartfelt and impressive.  I feel your pain; we all feel your pain.  For the record, I am a huge fan.  From your first anxious, awkward night to your current state of highly-refined akwardness, I've enjoyed and admired your humor and originality.

I have no doubt you'll land on your feet, wavy red hair intact. I know appearing in a dramatic role on cable television is probably the last thing you'd ever want to do, but I want you to know that you have an open invitation on my show, Sons of Anarchy.  We have an IRA story line that will continue to play out this coming season and I could use a bad-ass O'Brien on my team.  Guns, blood, fist fights -- you could really work some shit out.  Think about it.  

Just know that wherever you land, I'll be watching.

Sincerely,

Kurt Sutter

NBC'S ACT OF CONTRITION

On a mildly cool day this past December, after the deal with Comcast closed, Jeff Zucker spoke about the future of NBC. He was calm, composed and articulate. He spoke with the confidence of a man with a billion-dollar cushion. In that well prepared statement, Mr. Zucker confessed something to his audience, "When you're on top, you stay with things too long, you don't invest enough [in new programming]...and we [NBC] made all of those cyclical mistakes." This admission, while not exactly a mea culpa, was a step in the right direction. For NBC to once again become a haven for good television, it needs to purge its soul. It must come clean with the viewing public that buys its advertiser’s products and the creative community that generates all the content that sells that advertising. It would be a tremendous mistake if their PR machine tried to spin gold out of the straw-failures of the last ten years.

Today, Jeff Gaspin, the current NBC fall guy, told us about the demise of the Jay Leno experiment. The future of Jay, Conan and Jimmy will fall out of place in the next few weeks. The death of Jay at 10 pm was inevitable. Everyone knew it… including Jay. It was like watching a fat man run the marathon. You can cheer for him, pray for a miracle, but ultimately you know he’ll end up in a puddle of his own puke at the two mile marker. So NBC will go back to a mix of dramas, reality and magazine news at ten. I’m sure they will throw a lot of money and talent at the problem and have as much success as the other talent and money heavers. But the bigger question is not whether the network can regain its glory; it’s whether it can regain its dignity. The peacock has been brutally ass-raped and the feathers are broken, stained and may never be free of the stench of Ben Silverman’s reality juice.

For the record, I love the National Broadcast Company. I grew up on it. Johnny Carson put me and my scotch-damp mother to bed every night. Its shows made me want to be a writer… and a drinker. I want nothing more than for the network to rise up from the asses, once again a beautiful bird filled with wonder, intrigue and amusement. But to do this it must first exercise deep and thoughtful contrition. I know that for myself, the only way I can heal and recover from my pain and loss is to be completely honest and make reparations. So I've taken it upon myself to draft an amends list for NBC. Mr. Zucker, the following list is my service to you. Please don’t seek me out to thank or praise me, it’s not truly service unless it’s done unselfishly, without expectation of reward.

It’s a brief, incomplete collection, but I believe it will get the honesty ball rolling. I’m sure once you are gripped by the spirit of truth, the ecstasy of repentance will overtake you and the following list will grow exponentially. I strongly suggest you buy several hour blocks out of your prime time schedule to read the list to the world. I promise you, the rewards will come back to you threefold.

Forgive me maker, for I have sinned. It’s been a thousand cycles since my last confession…

To Kevin Reilly: 

Hiring you was probably one of my best decisions. You were instrumental in developing our few successes, Heroes, 30 Rock, Deal or No Deal. Firing you was definitely one of my worst mistakes. Quite frankly, your admiration for creatives terrified the accountants. For this I am truly sorry.

To Ben Silverman: 

Yes, you were a narcissistic, over-adrenalized, used-idea salesman, but the fact that I handed over control of a network to an inexperienced, talent-light party boy is absolutely insane. Your failure is not only my burden, it’s my fault. For this I am truly sorry.

To Jeff Gaspin: 

I’ve given you an impossible task. You will inevitable become just another tipped King in my never-ending, always-losing chess game. Nine months from now, I will fire you and hire another. Eleven months from that appointment, I will fire him. You see the pattern. I stay, they go, we never improve. For this I am truly sorry.

To Jay Leno: 

Your blue collar work ethic should be an inspiration to all of us executives who get paid ridiculous amounts of money for churning rhetoric and dry-humping statistics. You owned 11:30. Cutting you loose was the single biggest fuck-up on my incredibly long list of fuck-ups. I sucked you dry, dumped you, whispered sweet promises in your ear, coaxed you back into the bedroom, then sucked and dumped you again. Now I’d like a big “do-over”. Can’t we just go back to the way it was? Please? For this I am truly sorry.

To Conan O’Brien: 

Your quirky, self-deprecating humility should be an inspiration to all us egomaniacal, fear-based executives who get paid ridiculous amounts of money for spending the entire day measuring our dicks. You owned 12:30. Cutting you loose was the second biggest fuck-up on my incredibly long list of fuck-ups. I whispered sweet promises in your ear, gave you the brass ring, then dumped you for last year’s model. Now I’d like a big “do-over”. Can’t we just go back to the way it was? Please? For this I am truly sorry.

To Jimmy Fallon: 

You’re charming and you’re gone. For this I am truly sorry.

To Carson Daly: 

Are you still on my network? Really? For that I am truly sorry.

To New Media: 

I am trying to embrace the internet as a viable outlet for television, but my opinion of it changes daily. My head is so far up my Hulu, I can’t tell if I’m trading analog dollars for digital pennies, dimes, quarters, marbles or feathers? For this I am truly sorry.

To GE Shareholders:

You renewed my contract for three more years. Have you been living in a fucking cave? For this I am truly sorry.

To Writers, Directors, Actors, Producers and Crew: 

For the longest time I searched and searched for a way to do television without you. But apparently viewers enjoy complex characters, good story and moving performances. Boy, my R&D people are a little embarrassed. Who knew that by taking away thousands of jobs, I was going to disappoint millions of viewers. For this I am truly sorry.

Specifically To John Wells and Graham Yost: 

Boomtown and Southland… What can I say? Honestly, I think it was self sabotage. I was suffering from extreme self-loathing and I just felt I wasn’t worthy of having brilliant shows. For this I am truly sorry.

To our viewing audience: 

I deeply, deeply regret all the above and especially -- the XFL, Knight Rider remake, Crusoe, Kings, My Own Worst Enemy, Kath & Kim, Chopping Block, you get the idea… I admit, I’ve made some very bad choices and quite frankly, I didn’t give a shit about you. To me, you were all just a statistic, the unwashed masses that keep Wal-Mart in business. But now I see, I was wrong. Your needs are my future. We cannot be the National Broadcast Company without a nation. You are my spice and I am your sugar. For these and all of my sins, please forgive me. I am truly sorry.”