Thursday, March 18, 2010
I never cheated on my first wife. I ended that brief marriage because I knew that I wasn't ready to be a husband. Soon after the nuptial, I became very aware that if I stayed, I would cheat. It was really painful and extremely embarrassing for her, but I know ending that union prevented far-greater future damage. I was trying to keep my brain one step ahead of my dick.
With my current wife of 5 years, I've got no reason to cheat. She's a tremendous woman, who supports me, tolerates my vast collection of idiosyncrasies, loves me with all her heart, and well... is a total fucking babe. C'mon, how lucky am I? I get to fuck Katey Sagal. I know this blog will embarrass her, but I don't care. It's true and now, I've said it.
So when the shit hits the fan about all these celebrity marriages imploding because of adultry, it's a little difficult for me to wrap my brain around it. Truth is, I don't know what it's like to be a celebrity the likes of Tiger Woods or Jesse James. Maybe there is some repressed need to sabotage happiness because one can never really live up to the the expectation of fame. I don't know. Maybe it's a seven-year itch thing. Although, I think Tiger's been scratching since year one. I do know it makes me really respect guys like Clooney, who are smart enough not to marry yet because they know themselves.
Look, far be if from me to cast judgment about another man's indiscretions. The skeletons in my closet had to add on a back room. But I can express some pragmatic realities for the high-profile husband (or any husband for that matter) who is thinking about cheating on his wife. It's simple -- Don't fuck anyone who has more to gain by revealing the affair than by keeping it a secret. If you bed porn stars, fame whores, professional social climbers and self proclaimed tattoo models, chances are their need for money and web hits is going to override your tender whispers of, "Hey baby, we got a great thing going here. Let's keep it between us." I think these guys just get delusional. When they get away with it once, they feel invulnerable, like they have super cheating powers. "Fear not, big fake-titted extra-who-wants-to-be-in-movies, I can save you, I am Incredibly Loose Dick Man!"
And I wanna know whatever happened to hookers? I can't imagine taking one of these dirty skanks out to dinner -- after you throw in the Vagisil, STD test, champagne and blow -- is any cheaper than a respectable call girl. And as my buddy Chuck says, you don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay her to leave and shut up. Discretion isn't a courtesy, it's the job description. Now, I'm not condoning men cheating on their wives with hookers, I'm just exploring the ever-growing phenomenon of retarded infidelity.
So to sum up -- Don't marry until you're done fucking the loose change in the sofa. Once you do marry, don't cheat. If for some reason, things go south (or I guess North) and you are compelled to stray, don't fuck anyone who has had more visits to the plastic surgeon than the shrink.
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