Friday, December 11, 2009


I know I have no business commenting on anything sports related.  I'm athletic, but not a sports fan. I don't follow nor have any insight into amateur or professional sports.  The only golf I've ever played involved navigating a brightly-colored ball around a windmill and a dancing giraffe.  And is golf really a sport?  In my opinion, it ain't a game unless you break a sweat.  And now that John Daly's dropped 100 pounds,  there's ne'er a drop of perspiration on the PGA tour.

Except for Tiger.  He's sweating.  Sweating badly.  I guess for some reason he thought he was above reproach and could peck and strut in plain sight without any backlash.  Interesting, and very karmic, that it was ultimately his own simple accident that blew the lid off the overstuffed bottle of cheat.  Clearly his behavior had reached a breaking point and all it needed was a crack in the beam.  And boy, did the bottom drop out.  For those of us who were completely in the dark, all the allegations seem almost unbelievable. Really?  Little Tiger Woods is a pimp?  Holy shit.  

Here's the thing.  Tiger deserves to be bitch-slapped, but not for cheating on his wife, for being stupid.  Let's get real, the only crime Tiger is guilty of is arrogance.  I'm not condoning adultery.  I'm a happily married man who has never cheated on my wife.  Not only because I love and respect her, but because I know if I was ever caught (and I would get caught... I'm a lousy liar) the damage to my family would be irreparable.  

But Tiger is not like me.  Tiger is not like any of you reading this.  Tiger is a billionaire who single-handedly revived the game of golf.  He's a sheik, sports royalty.  Look at the information that has come out about his prenuptials.  I know most prenups are dry, legal lines-in-the-sand, but Tiger and Elin's was not just about money, it was about obligation, timing, expectations, media exposure.  It was as much a talent contract as it was a nuptial document.  I'm sorry, and maybe this makes me a sexist, but women (or men)  who enter into these agreements are very aware of the parameters and rules.  I'm not saying there isn't some genuine feelings between Mr. and Mrs. Woods, clearly there must be.  But ultimately their union is a fucking legal contract.  Tiger breached the contract not because he was unfaithful, but because he was sloppy.  Porn stars, socialites, party whores -- Jesus Christ, Tiger, you'd think your buddies in the NBA would have given you better advice than that.  

But that's where the chastisement should end.  He fucked up, got caught, embarrassed his family -- he broke the deal.  That's why the contract was quickly amended and updated.  And he paid the penalty fees.  Deep, bloody penalty fees.  But this talk of Tiger being a fake and a fraud.  Really?  I don't know about you, but I never saw Tiger do a commercial for family values.  In fact, I find the guy incredibly distant and aloof.  It made perfect sense that he married a Scandinavian.  I have Norwegian relatives who can go months without smiling.  Oh, wait, that's me.  The point is, I never put Tiger up on any kind of moral pedestal.  He endorses golf shit.  Wasn't he just a role model to fat white guys?  Was he really a role model to kids?  Do kids really wanna grow up to be professional golfers?  If so, maybe seeing one go all super pimp might just be the kick in the ass they need to realize they should pursue a real sport.  Just saying...

And I'll finish with this sand trap (not even sure if that analogy makes sense), I think the reaction to Tiger is racist.  They are not giving him the benefit of the doubt they would give other superior athletes.  We were all shocked when Kobe got accused of rape a few years back, but somehow, because it was basketball - a sport dominated by African American men, that behavior was somehow less shocking or expected.  Especially if you read Wilt's autobiography.  Kobe apologized, bought his wife a thirty-pound diamond and we chalked it off to superstar behavior.  Kobe's endorsements barely sputtered and  soon it was all forgotten.  But golf is a white man's game.  A member's only club, run by old white money and too much gin.  Yes, it took a Black-Asian to reinvigorate the sport, but the PGA was willing to look past that cruel irony as long as pockets were getting lined.  And here's the real irony -- half the red-nosed putters in every exclusive fucking club in this country are diddling their secretaries, but heaven forbid it ever become public knowledge.  That would be wrong.  The PGA, as much as they need him, will demand assurances that their poster boy never stray from the straight white line again.  

Unfortunately Tiger isn't helping his cause any.  The only way to ward off the damage is to face it head on (Letterman).  But Tiger's shame, his painful introversion and the ghost of his father's disappointment has caused him to retreat.  He's not admitted anything, there's been no real contrition and now he's removed himself from the game.  His absence will just fuel the gossip fire.  I'm sure he'll come back, but unlike Kobe, I think the damage to his career, family and game will be irreparable.  

Man, I'm glad I hate golf.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009


Wanna thank FX, Fox 21 and 20th for placing this add in all the trades.  Speaks for itself.  Click it for a bigger view.