RETARDED INFIDELITY

I never cheated on my first wife.  I ended that brief marriage because I knew that I wasn't ready to be a husband.  Soon after the nuptial, I became very aware that if I stayed, I would cheat.  It was really painful and extremely embarrassing for her, but I know ending that union prevented far-greater future damage.  I was trying to keep my brain one step ahead of my dick.

With my current wife of 5 years, I've got no reason to cheat.  She's a tremendous woman, who supports me, tolerates my vast collection of idiosyncrasies, loves me with all her heart, and well... is a total fucking babe.  C'mon, how lucky am I?  I get to fuck Katey Sagal.  I know this blog will embarrass her, but I don't care.  It's true and now, I've said it.

So when the shit hits the fan about all these celebrity marriages imploding because of adultry, it's a little difficult for me to wrap my brain around it.  Truth is, I don't know what it's like to be a celebrity the likes of Tiger Woods or Jesse James.  Maybe there is some repressed need to sabotage happiness because one can never really live up to the the expectation of fame.  I don't know.  Maybe it's a seven-year itch thing.  Although, I think Tiger's been scratching since year one.  I do know it makes me really respect guys like Clooney, who are smart enough not to marry yet because they know themselves. 

Look, far be if from me to cast judgment about another man's indiscretions.  The skeletons in my closet had to add on a back room. But I can express some pragmatic realities for the high-profile husband (or any husband for that matter) who is thinking about cheating on his wife.  It's simple -- Don't fuck anyone who has more to gain by revealing the affair than by keeping it a secret.  If you bed porn stars, fame whores, professional social climbers and self proclaimed tattoo models, chances are their need for money and web hits is going to override your tender whispers of, "Hey baby, we got a great thing going here.  Let's keep it between us."  I think these guys just get delusional.  When they get away with it once, they feel invulnerable, like they have super cheating powers.  "Fear not, big fake-titted extra-who-wants-to-be-in-movies, I can save you, I am Incredibly Loose Dick Man!"

And I wanna know whatever happened to hookers?  I can't imagine taking one of these dirty skanks out to dinner -- after you throw in the Vagisil, STD test, champagne and blow -- is any cheaper than a respectable call girl.  And as my buddy Chuck says, you don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay her to leave and shut up.  Discretion isn't a courtesy, it's the job description.  Now, I'm not condoning men cheating on their wives with hookers, I'm just exploring the ever-growing phenomenon of retarded infidelity.  

So to sum up -- Don't marry until you're done fucking the loose change in the sofa.  Once you do marry, don't cheat.  If for some reason, things go south (or I guess North) and you are compelled to stray, don't fuck anyone who has had more visits to the plastic surgeon than the shrink.

God bless.

 

SEASON 3 UPDATE

Ive been very negligent about my blogging lately.  Facebook and Twitter are so much easier.  And more than often, dangerous.  Me with an instant venting source is not a good thing.  My passions tend to get me in hot water.  I recently Twittered about losing an editor to Frank Darabont and basically called Frank a cunt.  Although the move was a shitty one (poaching staff), it probably didn't help my career any lashing out at Mr. Shawshank.  Add another amends to the list. 

Anyway, season three is shaping up, the premier is written and I'm finishing up a draft of 302 this weekend.  We begin production in five weeks and I hope to have two more scripts done by the time we start.  I've met with all the actors and everyone is eager to get back to work. 

You may have read in the trades this week that we signed on Kenny Johnson for six episodes.  I'm really excited about working with KJ again.  We established his character, Kozik, in episode 212 last season.  He's a Tacoma-based Son who has a history with Tig and the Redwood Originals.  We are in the process of making deals with four other guest stars.  Some returning, some new.  I will keep folks posted.  

I really appreciate the fan response on this blog, Facebook and Twitter.  People are seriously invested in SOA.  They have a lot of opinions, thoughts, desires and rants.  I love it.  Means we're doing something right.  Keep it coming.

SONS OF ANARCHY FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

I posted this on my new Facebook page, but I figured I'd blog it as well.  It'll be an ever-growing list of FAQ's.  It was fun to do.  I hope you dig it.

1. I have a great idea for the show, can I send it you?

No.  I cannot accept any ideas, pitches, stories, scripts, notions or dreams from anyone.  It's a legal issue.  It protects me and you.  If you send it, post it or email it -- it will be shredded, removed and deleted.  Sorry. 

2. I want to be an actor on your show, how do I audition?

If you are a SAG/AFTRA actor who has a permanent address in Los Angeles you can have your agent submit a picture and resume to our casting director, Wendy O'Brien.  If the picture is not sent through a signatory agency chances are the envelope will never be opened. 

3. How can I be an extra on your show?

If you a union or non-union actor who has a permanent address in Los Angeles you can contact Jim's B-List -- jimsblist.com .

4. I'm a singer/songwriter, I have a band, I have a perfect song for the show, how do I submit music?

As with the actors, a musical artist is best served by an agent or manager submitting their music through the proper channels.  Bob Thiele, my composer and musical supervisor is trying to come up with a realistic system where submissions can actually get heard.  Right now, we get hundreds and simply don't have the manpower or time to listen to them all.

5. When is the Season 2 DVD coming out?

Summer, 2010.

6. When is Season 3 beginning?

We never have an exact premier date until a few weeks before.  We did very well with the timing of season 2, so my guess is that we will air some time in early September, 2010.  But right now, that is just speculation.

7.  Is Half-Sack really dead?

Fuck, yes.

8.  Is that Katey singing "Ruby Tuesday"?

Yes, Katey sang "Son of a Preacher Man" in Season 1 and "Ruby Tuesday" in Season 2.  I hope to have her sing a song every season. 

9.  Who is Edward Winterhalder and why is he saying that the character of Jax is based on one of his books?

I do not know Mr. Winterhalder, never read any of his fiction.  From what I am told he is a former outlaw biker who turned rat and now makes his living as an author and outlaw biker "expert".  I can only speculate that my choice of using real outlaws as technical advisers instead of a celebrity one somehow upset Mr. Winterhalder.  I guess his claims are sour grapes and his parasitic attempt at getting a piece of SOA's success.

10. Are you really afraid of dolls?

Fuck, yes.

11.  Why do you swear so much?

Fuck, yes.

12. I have something very special I want to give you, can I send it to you?

Fuck, no.

13. How come you only do 13 episodes?  Why not 22 or 26 like network shows?

The model for FX and many other cable networks is 13.  Yes, it's about money and scheduling, but it's also about quality.  First of all, we cram more story into 13 episodes of SOA than most network dramas fit into 26.  Second, this model allows us to make what I hope are 13 thoughtful, provocative 44 minute independent films, instead of 26 formulaic, predictable big-budget movies.  Thirdly, my writers, cast and crew spend 7-9 back-breaking months making this show.  It's guerrilla film-making and a labor of love.  Any more than 13 would fucking kill us.

14. I live in a remote village in the Ukraine, when will "Sons of Anarchy" air there?

International sales and scheduling is not my job.  I have no idea if, when, where the show will be airing outside of the United States.  I know it's selling very well internationally, I just don't know any details.  I suggest you contact your local cable company and ask them. 

15. My friend watches the show over the internet for free, how does he do that?

Your friend steals.  If you want to watch "Sons of Anarchy" over the net, I'd ask that you do it legally through the FX website, Hulu or iTunes.  Pirating hurts the artist more than the conglomerate.  I know it may not seem like a big deal, and you probably justify it by saying, "Oh, Fox can afford it", but it's a huge problem.  The truth is every time you illegally download an episode of "Sons", you put actors, writers, and crew out of work.  Think about that next time you watch a lime-wire episode.

16.  I see "Sons of Anarchy" merchandise all over e-Bay and other internet sites.  Is this real SOA stuff?  Where can I buy official "Sons of Anarchy" stuff?

No.  The stuff on e-Bay is all pirated merchandise.  Some of them even blatently say "official SOA" shirts, hats, etc. -- they are not.  It's someone selling illegal gear.  It's criminal and there is very little we can do to stop it.  Again, people justify it by saying, "Oh, Fox can afford it", but once again buying that shit doesn't help the show.  The Fox/FX Store is the ONLY place to buy real SOA merchandise.  We will be expanding the line extensively very soon. 

17. Who is Sam Crow?  What does Samcro stand for?  Is there a difference between the two?

SAMCRO is an acronym for Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Originals.  Sam Crow is the personification of that acronym.  It's how the club refers to themselves.  Kinda the way Bob Dole called himself Bob Dole.  Over time, the locals began calling them Sam Crow as well.  In fact most of the members live in a part of Charming called "Sam Crow's Corner". 

18. What is Redwood Originals about?  Why isn't the charter called Charming?

Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club was created by John Teller and Piney Winston in November of 1967 and the first charter was called "Redwood".  Simply because they weren't settled in any one city.  They cruised the Northern California coast from Eureka to Big Sur -- Redwood country. It wasn't until after Gemma became pregnant with her first son, Jackson, that they decided to settle in Charming -- the town where Gemma grew up.  At that point, John Teller thought Charming was a little too cute for a charter name, so he called the charter the Redwood Originals.  That's when the SAMCRO handle was born.